broken hearts.

Once upon a time, a boy happened to break my heart. And I cried for weeks.

I cried, and I slept, and I cried some more. I barely ate. I barely spoke. I remember that this was the first time that I had ever felt such deep loss... the first time that I felt a sense of uncertainty about my own self and who I truly am... I learned a lot in those first few weeks of heartache. I learned what it truly means to be solemn. What it means to give thought to everything and nothing at the same time.

I questioned myself often... and for this, I am grateful. For it was out of this first broken heart that I started to recognize what I did and did not like in myself. And my eyes were opened to realize that not everything is what it seems... for sometimes, I create a picture in my mind that is not real life, but I pretend that it's real anyway. I did not like this in myself. I want to be real and unashamed, but I do not want to create fairy tales and unrealistic expectations.

The next time that a boy broke my heart, I cried for days.

In these days I felt hurt and confused. This heartache stripped me of the good that I saw in myself and left me battling a wall of bitterness. This was not ok. I learned much in these few days, of the need for space and separation. I learned that anger is good and true, but must not last longer than nightfall. I learned that sometimes it is more than good to just get away... sometimes it is the best medicine. So I got away... for several days. I learned that distraction is sometimes the key, and blocking out pain is not always good, but what is the point to dwell on that which once was, rather than clear the mind for that which could be the future? I learned that tears will still fall on the days you least expect them, but that time truly heals all wounds.

And the last time that a boy broke my heart, I cried for a night.

I cried for loss. I cried for acceptance of what is, rather than what will never be. It was in these tears that I felt the pain of sorrow, mixed with the freedom of acceptance. Sometimes there is pain in the goodbye, but freedom in the sorrow. It was in these tears that I knew there was something greater, and often the hardest part is just letting go, in order to move towards letting someone in. It was in these tears that I felt that tug on my heart, promising that it will one day be restored. I knew that in these tears there would be a greater healing. And I know that there will be no more broken hearts...

and there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears...and love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears...get over your hill and see... what you find there...with grace in your heart, and flowers in your hair...

One day... love will not break my heart, but dismiss my fears.
And one day... I will find the beauty of love as it was made to be...

love, it will not betray you, dismay or enslave you, it will set you free...be more like the man you were made to be.there is a design, an alignment, a cry... of my heart to see...the beauty of love, as it was made to be...

No more broken hearts.
Just promises.
Grace.
Submission.
Hope…

Very exciting hope.

no. 006 | hot springs.

☑ swim in a hot springs

Sometimes life brings about adventures that invigorate your spirit and refresh your soul.

That was my recent trip to visit a dear friend in northern Idaho and British Columbia. Sure, visiting a beach may be relaxing, but for me... visiting the mountains is refreshing... and boy, did my soul need refreshed! There is something so absolutely breathtaking about standing at the base of a giant mountain raised up out of the earth by God the Creator.

Since I made plans to visit my dear friend Katie and her husband, naturally Katie and I had to review my list and figure out if we could add a few things to cross off... one of which, included swimming in a hot springs. So I made sure to update my passport, and we booked a night at a hot springs resort in Ainsworth, British Columbia. One of the best decisions I’ve ever made. The drive through Canada alone left me in awe! And relaxing in a hot springs within a cave was superb... worlds more exciting than any hot tub I've ever experienced.

I would have loved to snap a few photos of the hot springs in the caves, but I was not that daring with my camera... so you'll just have to paint your own picture of what it was like to take a swim in a cave.

no. 005 | drive stick shift

☑ learn to drive stick shift

I had the chance to visit a friend recently out West, and she and I made some intentional time to cross a few things off my list... one of which, was learning to drive stick shift.

While this was quite the experience in stretching my muscle memory, it was exciting to learn something new. It really made sense to be in that much control of the car. I only stalled a small handful of times at some stop signs, due to the whole release clutch / give it gas at the same time thing, but that was to be expected until I could keep it in my brain and react without thinking. Katie and her husband Kacey were great teachers and very patient the entire time. I think they were actually somewhat impressed at how quickly I picked it up, without lurching the car forward at all. Seriously though, I was quite impressed with myself as well.

So there's one more thing checked off my list! Now, to find someone in town that also has stick shift that will let me "perfect" my skills...

no. 004 | concert by myself

☑ go to a concert... by myself

☑ take a photo with a band

So I knew I was adding one "new" thing to the list last night... but turns out, I was able to add one more (even better!)

Now, attending a concert is by far something new... I've had a love for live music ever since my junior high days (1998, to be exact... it was either the Audio Adrenaline/Jennifer Knapp/ OC Supertones concert... or the OC Supertones/Five Iron Frenzy/The Insyderz concert... I don't remember which came first anymore), which means I've been in love with concert-going for over 15 years now (whoa!). It started out at large concerts where i was a tiny speck in the crowd, and migrated to a love for music festivals, house shows, outdoor venues, amphitheaters in the park, and cramped theaters with standing-room only. But always, I have attended ticket-holding shows with other people. Never by myself. So when I heard one of my favorite bands was coming to town, I didn't hesitate to buy a single ticket... and made plans to go to the show... by myself.

Kind of strange to make plans to go to a show by myself. I felt like I needed to call someone up and buy them a ticket to join me. But this was somewhat exhilarating, to know that I was doing this because it was exactly what i wanted to do, and not just because a group of people were joining me. Now, to be fair, I did find out 10 minutes before the show that a friend was going to be there, so we met up and stood in line together, as well as took in the show side-by-side. But I feel like the very nature of attending the concert by myself was not altered... because I still made these plans on my own. And this show did not disappoint. I wish I could explain the exact atmosphere, but that never works unless you are actually there. I can say though, that my heart was soaring with every note that Paper Route produced.

After the show, I stuck around to chat with the band members and they seemed somewhat surprised when i mentioned that I've been listening ever since I first fell in love with "City Trucks" and that their music is in high rotation every Christmas season (because they have some of the most beautiful original winter songs i have ever heard). To that, Chad (bass/piano) glanced up at the ceiling and mentioned that perhaps they need to do a Christmas tour at some point... no argument here. When asked about taking a photo, he mentioned that they would stick around and sell some more merch first and then they would be happy to snap a group photo. So i sunk back to lean against the counter-top and take in all of the interaction and storytelling that was going on. It was not long until JT was telling stories about the photography of their most recent album (a most haunting image of a girl in a dress, knees pulled up to her chest, with wolves circling around her in the midst of the woods), and how this image was taken on a safari, with real wolves (and plenty of trainers, of course) and how they were also hanging on to other images from this series that included a giraffe, which will quite possibly be seen further down the road. I was drawn in by the animation that was used to tell these stories... as well as the gesture from JT to enter the circle and shake hands and ask my name. From there, JT called Chad over, and they were joined by Gavin, who loudly proclaimed "let's do this group thing"... and there we have it. My first group photo with a band. I'm not typically one to wait around to trouble anyone for a group photo, but I'm honored that they were so willing and eager to take a group photo for me. And with me.

So there's the story of how I added one more new thing to my list... spontaneously.

no. 003 | poetry slam

☑ attend a poetry slam

sometimes, things will get added to the list that i never even expected to be a part of when i first woke up that day...thanks to the inspiration of a dear friend, i had the opportunity to experience for the first time in my life, a poetry slam. words with emotion pierce right to my soul, and last night was an unexpected treat. i've seen videos of "spoken word" on youtube, but nothing can take the place of actually sitting in an audience of attentive listeners, drinking in the deepest thoughts being shared by another human being. what i enjoyed the most was the common thread throughout each of these pieces: a longing to be known... each of these poets expressed a bit of who they are, and some of them expressed quite vividly what they are searching for, and this... this is what my soul found most refreshing.i was reminded tonight that everyone is trying to share their story... and that sometimes, all it takes is a few seconds of courage, in order to be heard. i don't think anyone would have walked away from speaking tonight, saying "no one liked what i had to say" ... everyone got an applause when they were done speaking. we heard them. and i wonder, how does this carry over in my life? am i giving people the room to utilize those moments where all they need is a few seconds of courage in order to speak what is written on their heart, and know that no matter how much they stumble over their words or how much passion they put into their piece, that i will always be attentive when listening, and ready to applaud loudly when they are finished sharing?i want to be that. always attentive. always listening. always applauding.as a bonus... the poetry slam ended with a guest poet. i had never heard of this guest poet before, but he is an award-winning poet, who has won back-to-back poetry slam awards. words are his life. and i imagine that this is both exhilarating and exhausting. this guy is a fan favorite wherever he speaks... the Bowery Room in NYC, national events such as TWLOHA (To Write Love On Her Arms), and poetry slam competitions. after his first poem, i realized what an honor it was to be sitting in this room...i feel i must share a bit of what i experienced last night.Anis Mojgani poured out his words of inspiration, humor, reality, and emotion.so, here is a video... not from last night, but it is a recent video, and this is just a bit of what i had the privilege to experience last night... my first poetry slam, and a guest performance by Anis Mojgani:[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1PWrlOgrzHQ]

"Shake the Dust" by Anis Mojgani, Def Poet, won back-to-back titles at the National Individual Poetry Slam in 2005 and 2006, and won first place at 2007 World Cup Poetry Slam held in Bobigny, France. He performs here, as the featured poet at the Bowery Poetry Club in New York City, performing his famous "Shake the Dust".

this year: through faith.

last year i found myself often lying in the dark and asking God for CLARITY... of all things, i just wanted an understanding. i wanted things to be clear. i feel there is so much uncertainty in my life and i wanted a visible road map for what is coming next in my life... i knew he was calling me to WAIT on Him... but i often found myself wanting to say "to what end?" rather than just sitting back and saying "ok."this year... i find the Holy Spirit tapping on my heart and kicking me down a few notches. how selfish i have been in asking for CLARITY when all he wants is for me to TRUST. i have a hard time with the unknown. i can "chalk it up" to my planner-personality or my desire to make clear, smart decisions... but really, i just have a hard time trusting. i have a hard time being dependent on others. i have a hard time letting go of control.23 days into the new year and God is already rocking my world... He is continually reminding me that there must be a balance between [my responsibilities and my purpose for being on my own] and [waiting on Him to tell a greater story through my life, in His perfect timing] ... He is reminding me that it's ok and good to be strong and dependent and adventurous, but that this strength is not by my own doing... this waiting period in my life is not to show me that i can do things better on my own... it is all to remind me of how much I NEED HIM. i must depend on Him, not on myself. i must wait on Him, not on my own timing. i must TRUST in Him, not in what i can or cannot do.so i'm changing a few things this year... i have started a whole new list of things i've never done before. i want to enjoy this spirit of freedom... to soak in this independence and singleness.  but i'm not doing it to prove anything to myself. i'm doing this to continually remind myself that every day can be an adventure and that i can enjoy even the littlest of things. and i'm doing this to keep myself in a place of TRUSTING what the Lord has planned for me.

"... since we have been justified THROUGH FAITH, we have PEACE with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access BY FAITH into this GRACE in which we now stand. And we boast in the HOPE of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that SUFFERING PRODUCES PERSEVERANCE; perseverance, CHARACTER; and character, HOPE. And hope does not put us to shame, because GOD'S LOVE has been poured out into our hearts through the HOLY SPIRIT, who has been given to us."[ Romans 5:1-5 ]

this year, rather than praying for clarity in my time of waiting... i am going to be praying for the Lord to take over, as I learn to TRUST in His plan, rather than my own plans. you'll see more posts about this "list of new things"... i'm going to embrace the adventure in my life... but i'm embracing these adventures because Someone Else is writing out my story, and I'm trusting that whatever comes along is so much better than whatever story i would have tried to write on my own.this year: by GRACE, through FAITH, with HOPE...for, "i am not my own."

promises: i will wait.

the theme of "waiting" has been quite prevalent in my life lately, specifically so in the last few months... the Lord is continually working on this area of my heart, and recently my prayers have shifted from "Lord, give me patience" to "Lord, give me clarity and wisdom." tonight, while investing time in Psalms, these particular verses really struck a chord with my soul:

Trust in the Lord, and do good; and befriend faithfulness. Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart.Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him, and he will act. Be still before the Lord and WAIT PATIENTLY FOR HIM; The steps of a man are established by the Lord, when he delights in his way; though he fall, he shall not be cast headlong, for the Lord upholds his hand. Turn away from evil and do good; so shall you dwell forever.The mouth of the righteous utters wisdom, and his tongue speaks justice. The law of his God is in his heart; his steps do not slip. WAIT FOR THE LORD and keep his way, and he will exalt you... Mark the blameless and behold the upright, for there is a future for the man of peace. [Psalm 37:3-5, 7, 23, 24, 27, 30, 31, 34, 37 ESV]

naturally, the "wait patiently" part sticks out boldly in my heart... I feel like I have been in a "waiting room" for years now. but the most encouraging part about these verses to me is not the reminder to wait with patience, but rather the promise that "He will act." what a bold promise! an encouragement mixed with a very real conviction and reminder that I must commit my desires and longings and every day attitude to Him, and then TRUST that His ways are so much better than my ways... and HE WILL ACT. not on my time table, but on His perfect and glorious timeline...I need to remind myself of this daily.... wait patiently on the Lord.... HE WILL ACT.